It seems like I’m telling myself this an awful lot these days. There is no doubt about it, my anxiety is gaining ground. Everyday I feel a little less settled, a little more run for the hills. I’m nervous, jumpy and irritable. Nights are sleepless, days are looooong. There’s no doubt about it, flight or fight is on drip mode, anxiety rules the roost here. Options, let it take me down or figure out where the drip is coming from.
Of course I have a pretty good idea where it is coming from. As I said, it’s been creeping in day by day. This is not the out of the blue, no reason for me to be losing my shit kind of panic-attack anxiety. Nope, this is wow things are changing are you sure about all this change anxiety. Having seen the changes coming, the anxiety faeries have had plenty of time to gather panic packages to bombard me with, all night long. Which is why I’m here writing this at 2am, who needs sleep when you can be nervous about life in general instead?
So, here I am, trying to sort them out. Ever try to talk down anxiety faeries? They are nasty little imps. They look nice enough, like they honestly want to help, but let me tell you, they lie and the little bastards have a nasty bite to boot. Lately they’ve been chewing my ears off about the state of my life. Always a fun topic right?
Part of me says heck yes it is. Because honestly, life is good, actually life is GREAT! Things are bright and beautiful. This spring saw the eviction of some bad parts and the installation of a new hip, feeling better than I have in years, gaining mobility everyday. The extra mobility is allowing me to tame my dreadfully disgusting house. I’m proud to say it’s no longer dreadfully disgusting, just a little gross.
My boys are thriving. The oldest just started college and seems to be settling in wonderfully. My youngest and I have begun our homeschooling journey together. So far, so good, he’s loving math (hallelujah) and I am loving watching him learn how smart he really is. My little passion project, this lovely little blog, is growing and gaining followers. I’ve got the love and support of the world’s greatest husband and a tribe that is simply second to none. Life. Is. Great.
But, try telling anxiety that. It doesn’t care. Probably because it doesn’t believe you. Anxiety has a thousand reasons those things are all going to crap, heck anxiety rants they probably already are crap and you’re just fooling yourself. The nasty little voices in my head wonder if the hip is healing right, if my kids are really thriving, and if I’m just fooling myself that I am any kind of writer at all. They assure me that as good as life seems, something is probably terribly wrong and I just haven’t noticed it yet.
They spend their nights pointing out every thing I have not done, the projects unfinished, the dishes I abandoned to sweep floors instead. They insist, always, that I am not doing enough, not trying enough, I’m simply not enough. I battle back with stress management, with reason and logic, with hard won lessons. I am alive, therefore I am enough? I repeat it until the question mark becomes a period. I am alive, therefore I am enough.
I’m not sure when or if these nasty little faeries will give up the current round of torment. Anxiety induced by change is pretty hard to predict. Until they do, I’ll just keep breathing and chucking rocks of reason at them.