Anxious ME

Photo Courtesy of Redefining Images

I’m a nervous mess, and it’s my own fault! There, I said it. Out loud.

That’s right, I’m a ball of anxiety this week. Almost entirely self-inflicted anxiety. I made the choice to step out of my comfort zone, and now, here I am looking for shelter and wondering why I wandered out here where I’m so exposed.

Hermit life was working. Sure I get lonely and bored, living the home-bound hermit life, but I also love the infrequency of my social anxiety flare ups. Something most people probably don’t realize about me, I have social anxiety. I hide it really well. Mostly by avoiding situations that make me want to bolt, vomit, or both.

While social avoidance certainly does minimize the frequency of social anxiety episodes, it isn’t doing a thing to make it actually less severe. SO, I decided I want to let it go, to outgrow it once and for all. To make myself face it and tame it. It seemed like a really great plan too, until the reality of what I’ve done started to sink in.

I planned an event and invited the entire community. (Gulp) Alone. (What was I thinking?) I decided I wanted to host a community family game night to help raise a little money for a neighbor in need, while promoting my side hustle, without being a sales lady. Clever, right?

It would be, if not for the voice in my head that’s been non-stop for the last week…”It’s getting closer”, “what if no one shows up”, “what if a ton of people show up”, “what if you don’t have enough food”, “what if it’s a total flop”, “what will people think”..the questions and concerns from that sector have been non stop and NOT helpful.

That’s the trouble with anxiety, all the worrying in the world won’t solve problems, real or imagined. It is one of the most useless things my brain does. It makes me feel small and out of control. Less than. Not enough. Especially when I have to face ‘the masses’.

Of course, that’s why I chose to push my limits by having an event, I knew it would seriously push me out of my comfort zone. Like I said, this is self inflicted. I made this bed, now I must lie in it (ironic, as sleep is laughable when anxieties run high).

So, lie in it I shall. In three days, the event will be here.

I’m sure it will be fun.  Well, part of me is anyway. The part of me that is confident and fun-loving knows that one cannot really fail at hosting family game night. If anyone at all shows up, fun will be had. With a few confirmed attendees who love me, I know that will be so.

Now if only I could convince my anxious side of what reasonable me knows.

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